Archive: Sports

Bryce Harper, POTUS

So New Jersey’s gate-mouth Governor is going to keynote the GOP convention?  So the President gets caught giving his wife a smooch at a basketball game?  So for the 400th consecutive day, Mitt Romney refuses to release his tax returns?  Who cares?  We’ve got baseball! (More)

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My 7/4 USA Birthday Wishes

I wish we could switch to “America the Beautiful” as our National Anthem and that  fireworks were allowed only in South Carolina.  I wish people would stop saying “this economy, this country, this President” and go back to saying “OUR economy, OUR country and OUR President” (dudes, we have only one of each, and they all belong to all of us).  I wish the media would restore the 4th estate’s parenthetical prism, i.e., “Rep. Issa, who in the 1970s was twice arrested for auto theft, today accused Attorney General Eric Holder of lying to Congress.”  I wish Jerry Sandusky would just shut up.  I wish for Eric Cantor a case of hives. (More)

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Thank God for SuperPacs

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know: I told you I wasn’t writing anything about the looney Republican primaries. But then Newt finished up in Florida charging Obama with defunding Kosher meals for Jewish nursing home patients, Mitt was moved to sing “America the Beautiful” obscenely off-key, and we may have finally discovered a sure-fire way of curing the maldistribution of wealth in our country.

Honestly, Newt Gingrich could screw up a free lunch — you give him a free bowl of grits and he chokes on it.  And Mitt Romney? (More)

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July 19, 2011

Trade Jason Werth

Even I had to feel sorry for Jason Werth, the Nats 17 million dollar crybaby outfielder who’s hitting .211.  Last night after going oh-for-three, Werth walked in the top of the ninth.  After a rally ignited by Ryan Zimmerman put us ahead 5-2, Werth was perched on third with only one out. (More)

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March 16, 2010

Twisting the Tiger Tale

A comedian, and magician and a tiger walk into a bar.  “Whassup?” the bartender says to the magician, who answers, “I cheated on my wife.”  The bartender says, “That’s OK, you owned up to it,” and pours the magician a shot.  “How about me,” says the comedian, “I also cheated on my wife, and I also confessed to it.”  The bartender pours him a shot.  The tiger is silent, so the bartender asks, “Why so glum?”  The tiger says, “Just like these guys, I cut around on my wife, and I apologized.”  The bartender pulls a pistol from beneath the counter and shoots the tiger between the eyes.  “Why’d you do that?” the magician and the comedian ask in unison.  “Didn’t you hear the guy?” the bartender says,  “he cheated on his wife.” (More)

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July 21, 2009

Did Tom Watson Toss It?

You know you’re getting old when coarse grey hairs begin to crop up in your eyebrows, curly black ones in your nose, and wispy little white ones in your ears. When one collar of your new L.L. Bean shirt flattens down and the other one stays curled because they know that’s the way geezers wear them. When your checkout clerk asks if you need help getting to your car with a bag containing one roll of toilet paper and a toothbrush. When youngish women begin to smile and even flirt with you in public because they know you are totally, totally harmless. Guess Tom Watson pushed them back on their flip-flopped heels last weekend. (More)

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June 25, 2009

How Mark Sanford and the Gnats Helped Me Find a Hose Nozzle

After watching the Mark Sanford press conference, I tried taking a shower, but it didn’t help. So I decided to try and pull myself out of my gender funk by going to the Gnats/Red Sox game and cheering at least half the time for the Shame of Our Nation’s Capitol. It didn’t help much, they still lost 6-4. But I did discover the best way to enjoy a game at Nationals Park is to get there well before 7:05 and watch a real professional team at work. And I think I finally found a hose nozzle that will last an entire gardening season.

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May 17, 2009

The Gnats: Private Profits, Public Funds

How is it the Washington Gnats have the worst record in major league baseball and the second-lowest fan attendance and yet will probably make a big profit again this year? When I tried to explain it last month, my friend David Cay Johnston, a Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times reporter, wrote me a well-deserved snippy note saying that if I’d read his book Free Lunch (Portfolio/The Penguin Group 2007) I’d understand how. So I read the book. And now I do. And it’s preposterous. (More)

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April 21, 2009

Biggest cheaters in pro sports?

You may think it’s the players who are taking us for a ride on steroids, but the real cheaters are the owners who are taking our taxes and our ticket and beer and hot dog money and refusing to give fans even a peek at good baseball and basketball in return.  Biggest culprits?  The Lerner family, top investors in our 2-10 Washington Nationals, and Irene and Abe Pollin, long-time owners of the pathetic Washington Wizards. (More)

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July 15, 2008

Blackmail by the Gnats

As a taxpayer, I’ve been angrier; as a sports fan, never. I’m not talking about the rent strike being staged by the owners of the Washington Gnats, or the lukewarm response by Mayor Adrian Fenty to what amounts to blackmail by the Lerner family, or even the Gnats 36-60 won-loss record, which at the All Star break is the worst in professional baseball. No, I’m talking about the kiss-kiss column Monday morning by the Washington Post’s redoubtable lead sportswriter, Thomas Boswell, in which he absolves everyone but the umpires for the stinky smell of a deal gone bad and admonishes outraged fans to “remember that the life of a franchise is measured in decades, not weeks.” (More)

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