November 13, 2012
Dear Mika —
Given current events, I think it best that we stop using eMail to communicate. My fear is that some people (namely my wife and grandchildren) might not understand our relationship if either one us (most likely you) ever became the object of an investigation by the CIA, the FBI, NATO, or the ACLU.
For instance, when I sent you my negative comments about using a “cereal” philanderer like Newt Gingrich to talk about the Petraeus affair, you knew instantly it was a spell-check issue, and not a kinky suggestion. But someone who doesn’t know I lack a copy editor might think otherwise. Or remember last year when I complimented you on your ability to wear sleeveless dresses because of your slim upper arms? If some ambitious investigator came across that eMail today, it could bring us both down. He or she would no doubt try and connect us to Paula Broadwell, or ask me to send them a shirtless photo (yikes!) of myself to entrap me.
In retrospect, I also regret using my blog to promote a series of posts I called “I’m In Love With Mika Brzezsinski.” Certainly, any fool would know I was being facetious. But in the post-Mitt media drought, some reporters (we know who they are) might run with the story without knowing that after seeing “The Sessions” this weekend, I am now in love with Helen Hunt.
My suggestion is that in the future, we should communicate only via secure telephone land line under the code names “Harold” and “Maude,” with me playing the Harold role. As for our respective hard drives, we should probably clean them of all eMail files, using the new Etch-a-Sketch app that went public just this morning. My only question is, “What is an app, and where can I buy one?”
As for Gingrich’s appearance on the show this morning, my criticism will remain un-eMailed, and that’s a shame. In it, I sagely wrote that after declaring Petraeus as innocent as a babe, and opining the GOP needs only to tweak itself, Newt really got my goat when he urged the Republican Party to junk its “consultant-based” campaign model. Doesn’t he realize Obama won because of the uber-max consultant troika of David Axelrod, Jim Messina, and David Plouffe? I suppose it’s just as well — my use of words like “goat,” “babe,” and “troika” probably would have gotten us in search trouble anyway.