July 3, 2012
I wish we could switch to “America the Beautiful” as our National Anthem and that fireworks were allowed only in South Carolina. I wish people would stop saying “this economy, this country, this President” and go back to saying “OUR economy, OUR country and OUR President” (dudes, we have only one of each, and they all belong to all of us). I wish the media would restore the 4th estate’s parenthetical prism, i.e., “Rep. Issa, who in the 1970s was twice arrested for auto theft, today accused Attorney General Eric Holder of lying to Congress.” I wish Jerry Sandusky would just shut up. I wish for Eric Cantor a case of hives.I wish the mothers of Joe Scarborough, Mike Barnacle and Mitt Romney would twist their son’s ears and tell them to stop wearing blue jeans and shorts to work. I wish the Washington Post editorial page would just go ahead and endorse Romney. I wish President Obama would stop shooting jump shots and get in the paint. I wish I could read Maureen Dowd seven days a week. I wish I didn’t need spell check to catch ocurring, feirce, and marriage. I wish Zeke Emmanuel was the host of a cable TV show called “Mourning Zeke.” I wish I had a copy editor.
I wish I could dis-endorse Vincent Gray for DC Mayor. I wish The New Yorker wasn’t so snotty. I wish my dog could talk. I wish Savannah Guthrie the best, even though I seriously doubt that’s her real name. I wish Rick Ankiel a better batting average, ‘cause otherwise he’s the best center fielder in baseball. I wish the New York Times had fewer typos. I wish David Axelrod could be President Obama’s press secretary at least every other Friday. I wish Teddy Kennedy were alive. I wish Tom Brokaw wasn’t so old. I wish a big-time literary agent would call me tonight.
I wish my wife weren’t so much smarter than I am. I wish I didn’t always fall asleep during the Nats West Coast games. I wish Marco Rubio were still in the running for GOP VP so reporters could call more BS on his resume. I wish Alex Wagner had at least one cavity. I wish Bill Clinton would just shut up. I wish I had Ray LaHood’s frequent flyer miles. I wish Mitch McConnell had enough Tory chutzpah to wear a white wig. I wish Kathleen Parker was a liberal.
I wish our President would explain how Obamacare won’t raise taxes so I won’t have to keep telling my favorite brother-in-law it’s really just a way to keep the insurance companies from gouging us. I wish Barney Frank would lose some weight. I wish Margaret Carlson was more famous. I wish it wasn’t already too late to stop global warming. I wish all my short stories were available as Kindle Singles. Iwishrachelmaddowdidnotalksofast. I wish for all U.S. combat troops to be home. Right now. All of them. Let’s make our wishes, but stop blowing out the candles.